This Weeks Blog Post:

Emotional Intelligence: Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the second element of emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman generally describes it as managing your emotions and impulses so that you respond with intention instead of reacting on autopilot.

The goal is not to suppress emotions. That isn't helpful or healthy. Self-regulation means recognizing your emotions, naming them, and deciding how you will respond.

The right response

Aristotle wrote this about anger, and it fits the idea well:

"Anyone can become angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, this is not easy."

Leadership authors have described the same behavior in different ways over the years. Stephen Covey, for example, wrote:

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness."

A lesson from a hungry six-year-old

I remember an experience from kindergarten. I came home from school one day very hungry. We typically had lunch when I got home, but that day my mother had other priorities and lunch wasn't ready. As you'd expect from a six-year-old, I was angry, so I stormed out of the house, sat down on the curb, and decided to hitchhike. I'm not sure how I expected that to get me food, but I was angry, and I was six.

A high school sat up the road, and a car full of teenage girls stopped and asked if I needed a ride. At that moment, my anger evaporated. I decided I could wait for lunch after all and ran back inside.

It's a silly example, but sometimes our angry responses, or our initial unchecked reactions, are silly as well.

Why it matters

By combining self-awareness with self-regulation, we can harness the energy of our emotions and direct it somewhere useful. This is an important skill for leaders, and just as important in our personal lives.

It matters for our health, too. Catanese (2024) notes that people with strong emotion regulation skills tend to have healthier behaviors and better overall health, while people who are emotionally dysregulated experience high levels of stress and anxiety. Conditions associated with dysregulation include being more sedentary, being overweight, and having high blood pressure and other stress-related problems.

How do we build it?

Since self-regulation supports both our emotional intelligence and our health, here are four practices to start with:

1. Recognize what you're thinking and feeling. Then tell yourself to relax and calm down.

2. Stay centered on your personal values and mission. Keep your focus on your own values, not on others.

3. Adopt a growth mindset. Adjust your response to change, accept it, and move forward.

4. Pause before you respond. There is power in the pause.

By using these techniques, a leader can channel negative emotions into productive thoughts and behaviors.

Reach out to see how a coaching engagement can help improve your emotional intelligence.

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Catanese, L. (2024, August 8). Self-regulation for adults: Strategies for getting a handle on emotions and behavior. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/self-regulation-for-adults-strategies-for-getting-a-handle-on-emotions-and-behavior

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